i love accidental penises.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
