Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
