My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's shark week go big or go home
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
