if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
