from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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