I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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