All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
