we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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