i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Randomize
