dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
