the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
