on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
