She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize