apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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