Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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