you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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