So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
