she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
