Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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