getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
