Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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