My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
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