For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
