Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
