I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
