I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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