You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
