Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
