You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
