I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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