Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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