its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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