I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
