you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
