I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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