cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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