Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
