I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
