it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
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