The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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