I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
As shirtless as possible
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize