dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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