My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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