I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
