sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
