Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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