dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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