I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
