He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize