hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
smell my finger.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
