i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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