i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
