she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
