Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you win again, gameday.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
