I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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