I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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