I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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