look no pants
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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