then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Can vaginas get frostbite?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize