pop tarts are not kleenex
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
