I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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